fallin'.

I can't catch myself from falling into an existence that I don't quite understand. Normalcy. I don't want to be that normal college kid stuck doing what politically correct or what society has pegged as how college kids should be viewed. I wanna dance outside the box on the jagged edges of danger. I wanna run with the wolves that run by themselves. My boss told me to see the world but how? Be free-spirited, but how? Live free && love hard, but how?

I can't just one day say I when in Rome && actually be in Rome. But why can't I? Money. I want to do it all, love hard && long (no nasty...lol), see the world, gain fame, open up a respectable business, have kids, move to London, vacay in Cabo. What's stopping the movement? Money. My girl Lil' Kim said it the best "Money, Power, Respect what you need in life/You'll see the light/It's the key to life." I want the key. But what's the key (&& the door for that matter) without getting that one to share it with? Can't I just fall into the lap of luxury with the one who makes me smile when I don't want to? I'm trying to build up something strong with someone but I'm scared. Scared that Imma love too hard and get let down.

All these thoughts are falling out of my head into my Mac. Where to channel them? Who to talk to? What should I do? I'm just gonna keep falling and see where that leads.

All About Me Now.

So it's been awhile since I have assessed my life and I'm not sure if anything has changed. I'm seeing more and more of how the world works and for many people I feel they are screwed.

I'm 18. I don't want to settle down and before I thought I did. I wouldn't have been happy. My last real relationship I thought I wanted the boy's baby. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! I don't hardly take care of myself. That is some shit because he wanted me to have one too, he is now in jail. My childhood would have been stripped. My baby would have been the freshest little thing walking while being destined for jail and I know this. Not to say that my peers with children cannot provide for them and teach them right from wrong but I'm still doing wrong. I can't teach what I don't know. So I'm happy that what happened to me actually happened.

My mother told me that I would meet some life long friends at college and I see what she is talking about. My friends are the coolest, if only to me. Like if you sat all my friends in a room together they would look so odd. I love it. People looking in would be like why the hell do i fuck with so and so. I would definitely be like why DON'T you fuck with them? I feel accomplished because my newest "for lifer" would never know what a rel friend looks like if I didn't come along. Like not to toot my own horn but her friends are fucking dogs. Why do we put up with shit like that? Is it because that's what we are used to? I know I have friends that are dogs but I know they would catch a charge for me. Is that why we over look certain shit?

Boys. Ugh. Blah. Humph. It's always a one that I want. I don't want to settle down though. I want it to be a mutual agreement like you do you and imma do me, but we both know where home is. What we will share will be something special that only we understand. Who wouldn't want that? Someone to be there through thick and thin, at the drop of a hat. Someone who doesn't trip off the little shit and gives you the space that you deserve. I want all that. Right now lls.

I thought what I wanted was to be on my own. DUH, but I don't want to be here. I was forced to Maryland (blah) for the better life dream. I was stripped from New Jersey, my home. If i go back nothing awaits but trouble and if i stay it would be nothing but regret. So I have decided that I want to move to Cali. Change of the weather. Change of scenery. I want to be something in life and I feel like this is a step towards getting there. I plan on going to art school and putting myself in the position where I have some choices. Time I make shit about me and live for me. Fuck everybody else who wants me to do anything else. It's time for me to do what I want to. What I believe is the best for me.

diary.

I grew up believing that if you kept a diary then chances are secretly you want someone to read it, at least that's what my mom says. So I always kept some form of a diary but I never was able to discipline myself enough to keep it up on the daily basis. Frankly, I just never had that much to say. Never one to speak on my feelings right when I'm felling them so I let them fester. Fester until I can no longer take it. Next thing I know I have a pen in hand and I'm letting it all drain into the paper. Now I have the internet. I don't even think I just type. So I guess here it goes..

Who do I want to read this? Maybe my mother who I feel like I constantly let down and no matter how fucked up my logic is I never seem to get it right. To wake up one day knowing that it won't be wounded disappointed eyes staring back at me. I could want the boy I like to read it. Maybe I may incidentally give him the green light. Let him know that I understand drunken words are sober thoughts and I applaud you for being straight forward with me. Maybe I want a friend to read it so they know that they don't know everything. That they can't provide all the answers when they always seem to find themselves worse off than me. I possibly want a stranger to read the whole thing and tell me I'm not crazy. That everything I go through is normal and I'm just moving with the times. Maybe I just wanna keep it all to myself.

Lately (since saturday) I've been thinking about this one boy. He always was a looker but usually I can decipher who I think I just wanna have a "slut it up" moment (thanks dana dane) to those who can actually see myself with. I never looked at him either way. He talks too much, he brings trouble, I wish he would shut up were all normal thoughts in the off chance we had conversation/interaction with one another. Saturday those drunken wants turn into some drunken words to a drunken epiphany, on his part. Still content with giving him the occasional "do it face" he was giving me the i can wife you speech. All that drunken mess for him turned into a sober want from me. I haven't heard some real talk like that in a while but it seems that it ended at the party. If I revealed all that he did I think I would be stand offish too. Anywho this is his PSA: Don't be hesitant. I like you the way you like me. So lets get together and give it all a try.

Mommy. Oh my sweet mother. The apple of my eye. The blood that pumps through me. The rock that gets me through my days. You will never know how I really feel because I'm a FUCKING JERK. I'm sorry for the hell I caused and the pain that I know nothing about. I cry myself to sleep too, thinking about going back to fix my errors. But ma, I can't. I have a problem that no one can help me with but me. My thought process has been shitty since day one. All I ever wanted to do was rid you of the pain that I believed to be my father, when really it's me. I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry I'm here. I'm sorry I exists. I'm sorry for just...me.

Friends. Let me live. I have to sink or swim on my own. Your help is valued but you aren't always right. I have to do somethings myself. You don't know how to react to every situation and you can't compare it to you because clearly I'm not you. You can;t live vicariously through me so stop it. I love you who I do consider my friends but sometimes I'm only telling you shit because I wanna tell somebody. Just let me rock so I don't have to hear the I told you so's. Just throw me an "I hate niggas" party and move on.

work.

I have embarked on life, the adult life. I no longer can afford to spend my days lounging around in the air conditioned house. I have to work a full time 9 to 5 (well in my case 10 to 6). Where has the time gone? Just yesterday I was chatting it up on the phone while the my little brother was at camp and my parents were at work. Just yesterday I didn't have to buy my own things but I did because I wanted to. How times have changed from those yesterdays to today.

My peers and I are no longer kids. We are young adults and I don't know of anyone who is whole heartedly willing to accept it. Of course we love the freedom and the ability to say we are grown but if given the chance would we go back to childhood, the simpler times? I know I would. Corner stores and play house. Life Camp and Girl Scouts. Sitting on the roof and aimless walking. I miss it all. Sadly I feel I lost more when I moved. I missed the childhood that I had grown accoustomed to. And for what? For the sake of a better enviornment for my brother. It wasn't better for me because I grew up with the lesser and I prospered but my parents didn't want my brother to have to go my same route. This is fine and I fully understand so I have learned to accept it. The childhood I so desperately wanted was stripped and given to my brother. Ugh siblings lol.

I now think about I'm about to have bills... I'm about to be paying rent, insurance, cable but no phone bill. What? Daddy is still footing the phone bill. Some working woman I'm turning out to be. An 18 year old apartment renter who doesn't even control her phone, wow. Guess someone doesn't want me to grow up either...

poo.

What people want is always trumped by what people need. People think their wants are their are their needs, which leads to most downfalls. I want to be happy but I need to work for it. I want "him" but I need to work on me. Nine times out of ten you won't here this unless something goes wrong then you attempt to pysch yourself into thinking that you can work on your needs, but that never seems to be the case.

I want so much more than to be the friend/sister type. I've watch many of my male friends fall for the wrong ones and instead of the cruel "I told you so," I sit and listen. They want the pretty "phat" girls that every dude wants but you think only you have. WRONG! They have it all and they are still getting while with your beauty-blinded ass. Meanwhile you have the "friend" i.e me who is that ride or die. The one that will handle anything that comes her way. The one that all your friends get along with and not because she is forced on them but because they generally think she is a cool person. Damn why does being a girl come with so many technicalities?

Boys are dumb. They have never been about to accept that what they need is right in front of them so they go to the ones they want, then after being shot down or played they sit wanting the ones they need only to realize that she left to be needed elsewhere. This whole relationship thing is effed up. You don't want one but you think you need one. UGH!

So Maybe...

Maybe I cut people off too quickly without properly assessing the whole thing. I don't think I do it purposely but I don't like to be let down which leads me not to have too many expectations. You expect too much and don't get it, you are let down. You expect HIM to be different only to realize you set your hopes to high. You then trick yourself into thinking you deserve better when really you haven't done anything to prove you should get it. So me cutting someone of is a hell yeah type situation until I sit back to think, "I want him/her back..."

I always go into any relationship/friendship with little to no expectation. I've put my trust into so many only to be slapped in the face with my own hand. Every time I think I may have found a speckle of happiness, it is ripped away by shiesty behavior and/or the wrong words at the wrong time. At the moment I honestly put all the blame on the other person believing that I am the innocent one and am the victim. Then the thought process kicks in. Did I deserve that? Maybe so. Can I fix it? Maybe not. I am shallow to some extent thinking that it's a privilege to be my friend/dude. That thought fades and I'm left thinking what the hell. I get stuck between what the gut says and what the heart says up to what the mind says. UGH!

I thought for a long time I as going to have the "fuck it" attitude, but nope, I always cared on the inside and it would eat away at me. Thought I needed time to myself but I was left feeling lonely. Thought I wanted, no DESERVED more but nope I haven't proved myself worthy. So maybe I need to take more time...? Wait. What kind of time do I have? None to lose so what should I do? I so bad want to go back and do things differently with the knowledge that I have now. I want to hold out for somethings and build on others. Above all else I want him. The crazy thing is I don't know what HIM i want...

Nice Guys finish last, so nix that and give me a mean bad boy with a heart of gold. Friends are supposed to last forever (sike not in this day and age), but nix that and give me some right hands/road dogs. Show me something different from the norm because it's becoming too normal for me. Give me money, a job, an apartment, a life better than my own. Give me a better look on life so I can feel like I'm here for something other than a place holder in the world that everyone waits to fuck up...
You give me all this so maybe I can finally start getting what I want...

College Life.

Many days I sit in class and think. "Why the hell am I here?" Actually those thoughts come around A LOT. College was never my first priority after high school. It was a generalized hope shared by many of us, to just flat out start making money with some rare talent that only you posses and only you can capitalize on. Naive? Maybe, although not impossible.

The campus life with the random hook-ups, drunken nights leading to a forgetful morning, parties, weed, liquor, fights, whores, jocks, beauty queens, cheerleaders, dancers make me wonder if all this can't be found else where. If not literally, then hypothetically. Why is this necessary? Waking up remembering the naked body next to you recycling your personal supply of air. Stressing over a mid-tern in a class called Freshman Seminar. The fact that every school has some form of freshman seminar. The catty females who really aren't as hard as they say. The people who have reinvented themselves for college purposes. Why is any of it needed?

The classes in which you learn nothing new. Stuff you show no interest in but have to pass. You memorize what you need to but if asked to repeat it in a normal conversation you draw a blank. I don't get it. Why am I here? Why do we pay money just for a piece of paper and why does that piece of paper mean more money in the "real world?" Ugh the life of a college student. I hate it. I love it. I just never know.

Then a ray of light comes out when fellow intellectuals have an intellectual conversation (on our own time). We sit in the game room and we all have something to say worth hearing. I almost forget why, then I get amazed by my peers. I then think did college do this and sadly the answer is no, BUT it did help and it did give people courage to voice their opinions as adult in a conversation rather than children asking for permission to have an opinion at all.