fallin'.

I can't catch myself from falling into an existence that I don't quite understand. Normalcy. I don't want to be that normal college kid stuck doing what politically correct or what society has pegged as how college kids should be viewed. I wanna dance outside the box on the jagged edges of danger. I wanna run with the wolves that run by themselves. My boss told me to see the world but how? Be free-spirited, but how? Live free && love hard, but how?

I can't just one day say I when in Rome && actually be in Rome. But why can't I? Money. I want to do it all, love hard && long (no nasty...lol), see the world, gain fame, open up a respectable business, have kids, move to London, vacay in Cabo. What's stopping the movement? Money. My girl Lil' Kim said it the best "Money, Power, Respect what you need in life/You'll see the light/It's the key to life." I want the key. But what's the key (&& the door for that matter) without getting that one to share it with? Can't I just fall into the lap of luxury with the one who makes me smile when I don't want to? I'm trying to build up something strong with someone but I'm scared. Scared that Imma love too hard and get let down.

All these thoughts are falling out of my head into my Mac. Where to channel them? Who to talk to? What should I do? I'm just gonna keep falling and see where that leads.

All About Me Now.

So it's been awhile since I have assessed my life and I'm not sure if anything has changed. I'm seeing more and more of how the world works and for many people I feel they are screwed.

I'm 18. I don't want to settle down and before I thought I did. I wouldn't have been happy. My last real relationship I thought I wanted the boy's baby. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! I don't hardly take care of myself. That is some shit because he wanted me to have one too, he is now in jail. My childhood would have been stripped. My baby would have been the freshest little thing walking while being destined for jail and I know this. Not to say that my peers with children cannot provide for them and teach them right from wrong but I'm still doing wrong. I can't teach what I don't know. So I'm happy that what happened to me actually happened.

My mother told me that I would meet some life long friends at college and I see what she is talking about. My friends are the coolest, if only to me. Like if you sat all my friends in a room together they would look so odd. I love it. People looking in would be like why the hell do i fuck with so and so. I would definitely be like why DON'T you fuck with them? I feel accomplished because my newest "for lifer" would never know what a rel friend looks like if I didn't come along. Like not to toot my own horn but her friends are fucking dogs. Why do we put up with shit like that? Is it because that's what we are used to? I know I have friends that are dogs but I know they would catch a charge for me. Is that why we over look certain shit?

Boys. Ugh. Blah. Humph. It's always a one that I want. I don't want to settle down though. I want it to be a mutual agreement like you do you and imma do me, but we both know where home is. What we will share will be something special that only we understand. Who wouldn't want that? Someone to be there through thick and thin, at the drop of a hat. Someone who doesn't trip off the little shit and gives you the space that you deserve. I want all that. Right now lls.

I thought what I wanted was to be on my own. DUH, but I don't want to be here. I was forced to Maryland (blah) for the better life dream. I was stripped from New Jersey, my home. If i go back nothing awaits but trouble and if i stay it would be nothing but regret. So I have decided that I want to move to Cali. Change of the weather. Change of scenery. I want to be something in life and I feel like this is a step towards getting there. I plan on going to art school and putting myself in the position where I have some choices. Time I make shit about me and live for me. Fuck everybody else who wants me to do anything else. It's time for me to do what I want to. What I believe is the best for me.

diary.

I grew up believing that if you kept a diary then chances are secretly you want someone to read it, at least that's what my mom says. So I always kept some form of a diary but I never was able to discipline myself enough to keep it up on the daily basis. Frankly, I just never had that much to say. Never one to speak on my feelings right when I'm felling them so I let them fester. Fester until I can no longer take it. Next thing I know I have a pen in hand and I'm letting it all drain into the paper. Now I have the internet. I don't even think I just type. So I guess here it goes..

Who do I want to read this? Maybe my mother who I feel like I constantly let down and no matter how fucked up my logic is I never seem to get it right. To wake up one day knowing that it won't be wounded disappointed eyes staring back at me. I could want the boy I like to read it. Maybe I may incidentally give him the green light. Let him know that I understand drunken words are sober thoughts and I applaud you for being straight forward with me. Maybe I want a friend to read it so they know that they don't know everything. That they can't provide all the answers when they always seem to find themselves worse off than me. I possibly want a stranger to read the whole thing and tell me I'm not crazy. That everything I go through is normal and I'm just moving with the times. Maybe I just wanna keep it all to myself.

Lately (since saturday) I've been thinking about this one boy. He always was a looker but usually I can decipher who I think I just wanna have a "slut it up" moment (thanks dana dane) to those who can actually see myself with. I never looked at him either way. He talks too much, he brings trouble, I wish he would shut up were all normal thoughts in the off chance we had conversation/interaction with one another. Saturday those drunken wants turn into some drunken words to a drunken epiphany, on his part. Still content with giving him the occasional "do it face" he was giving me the i can wife you speech. All that drunken mess for him turned into a sober want from me. I haven't heard some real talk like that in a while but it seems that it ended at the party. If I revealed all that he did I think I would be stand offish too. Anywho this is his PSA: Don't be hesitant. I like you the way you like me. So lets get together and give it all a try.

Mommy. Oh my sweet mother. The apple of my eye. The blood that pumps through me. The rock that gets me through my days. You will never know how I really feel because I'm a FUCKING JERK. I'm sorry for the hell I caused and the pain that I know nothing about. I cry myself to sleep too, thinking about going back to fix my errors. But ma, I can't. I have a problem that no one can help me with but me. My thought process has been shitty since day one. All I ever wanted to do was rid you of the pain that I believed to be my father, when really it's me. I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry I'm here. I'm sorry I exists. I'm sorry for just...me.

Friends. Let me live. I have to sink or swim on my own. Your help is valued but you aren't always right. I have to do somethings myself. You don't know how to react to every situation and you can't compare it to you because clearly I'm not you. You can;t live vicariously through me so stop it. I love you who I do consider my friends but sometimes I'm only telling you shit because I wanna tell somebody. Just let me rock so I don't have to hear the I told you so's. Just throw me an "I hate niggas" party and move on.

work.

I have embarked on life, the adult life. I no longer can afford to spend my days lounging around in the air conditioned house. I have to work a full time 9 to 5 (well in my case 10 to 6). Where has the time gone? Just yesterday I was chatting it up on the phone while the my little brother was at camp and my parents were at work. Just yesterday I didn't have to buy my own things but I did because I wanted to. How times have changed from those yesterdays to today.

My peers and I are no longer kids. We are young adults and I don't know of anyone who is whole heartedly willing to accept it. Of course we love the freedom and the ability to say we are grown but if given the chance would we go back to childhood, the simpler times? I know I would. Corner stores and play house. Life Camp and Girl Scouts. Sitting on the roof and aimless walking. I miss it all. Sadly I feel I lost more when I moved. I missed the childhood that I had grown accoustomed to. And for what? For the sake of a better enviornment for my brother. It wasn't better for me because I grew up with the lesser and I prospered but my parents didn't want my brother to have to go my same route. This is fine and I fully understand so I have learned to accept it. The childhood I so desperately wanted was stripped and given to my brother. Ugh siblings lol.

I now think about I'm about to have bills... I'm about to be paying rent, insurance, cable but no phone bill. What? Daddy is still footing the phone bill. Some working woman I'm turning out to be. An 18 year old apartment renter who doesn't even control her phone, wow. Guess someone doesn't want me to grow up either...

poo.

What people want is always trumped by what people need. People think their wants are their are their needs, which leads to most downfalls. I want to be happy but I need to work for it. I want "him" but I need to work on me. Nine times out of ten you won't here this unless something goes wrong then you attempt to pysch yourself into thinking that you can work on your needs, but that never seems to be the case.

I want so much more than to be the friend/sister type. I've watch many of my male friends fall for the wrong ones and instead of the cruel "I told you so," I sit and listen. They want the pretty "phat" girls that every dude wants but you think only you have. WRONG! They have it all and they are still getting while with your beauty-blinded ass. Meanwhile you have the "friend" i.e me who is that ride or die. The one that will handle anything that comes her way. The one that all your friends get along with and not because she is forced on them but because they generally think she is a cool person. Damn why does being a girl come with so many technicalities?

Boys are dumb. They have never been about to accept that what they need is right in front of them so they go to the ones they want, then after being shot down or played they sit wanting the ones they need only to realize that she left to be needed elsewhere. This whole relationship thing is effed up. You don't want one but you think you need one. UGH!

So Maybe...

Maybe I cut people off too quickly without properly assessing the whole thing. I don't think I do it purposely but I don't like to be let down which leads me not to have too many expectations. You expect too much and don't get it, you are let down. You expect HIM to be different only to realize you set your hopes to high. You then trick yourself into thinking you deserve better when really you haven't done anything to prove you should get it. So me cutting someone of is a hell yeah type situation until I sit back to think, "I want him/her back..."

I always go into any relationship/friendship with little to no expectation. I've put my trust into so many only to be slapped in the face with my own hand. Every time I think I may have found a speckle of happiness, it is ripped away by shiesty behavior and/or the wrong words at the wrong time. At the moment I honestly put all the blame on the other person believing that I am the innocent one and am the victim. Then the thought process kicks in. Did I deserve that? Maybe so. Can I fix it? Maybe not. I am shallow to some extent thinking that it's a privilege to be my friend/dude. That thought fades and I'm left thinking what the hell. I get stuck between what the gut says and what the heart says up to what the mind says. UGH!

I thought for a long time I as going to have the "fuck it" attitude, but nope, I always cared on the inside and it would eat away at me. Thought I needed time to myself but I was left feeling lonely. Thought I wanted, no DESERVED more but nope I haven't proved myself worthy. So maybe I need to take more time...? Wait. What kind of time do I have? None to lose so what should I do? I so bad want to go back and do things differently with the knowledge that I have now. I want to hold out for somethings and build on others. Above all else I want him. The crazy thing is I don't know what HIM i want...

Nice Guys finish last, so nix that and give me a mean bad boy with a heart of gold. Friends are supposed to last forever (sike not in this day and age), but nix that and give me some right hands/road dogs. Show me something different from the norm because it's becoming too normal for me. Give me money, a job, an apartment, a life better than my own. Give me a better look on life so I can feel like I'm here for something other than a place holder in the world that everyone waits to fuck up...
You give me all this so maybe I can finally start getting what I want...

College Life.

Many days I sit in class and think. "Why the hell am I here?" Actually those thoughts come around A LOT. College was never my first priority after high school. It was a generalized hope shared by many of us, to just flat out start making money with some rare talent that only you posses and only you can capitalize on. Naive? Maybe, although not impossible.

The campus life with the random hook-ups, drunken nights leading to a forgetful morning, parties, weed, liquor, fights, whores, jocks, beauty queens, cheerleaders, dancers make me wonder if all this can't be found else where. If not literally, then hypothetically. Why is this necessary? Waking up remembering the naked body next to you recycling your personal supply of air. Stressing over a mid-tern in a class called Freshman Seminar. The fact that every school has some form of freshman seminar. The catty females who really aren't as hard as they say. The people who have reinvented themselves for college purposes. Why is any of it needed?

The classes in which you learn nothing new. Stuff you show no interest in but have to pass. You memorize what you need to but if asked to repeat it in a normal conversation you draw a blank. I don't get it. Why am I here? Why do we pay money just for a piece of paper and why does that piece of paper mean more money in the "real world?" Ugh the life of a college student. I hate it. I love it. I just never know.

Then a ray of light comes out when fellow intellectuals have an intellectual conversation (on our own time). We sit in the game room and we all have something to say worth hearing. I almost forget why, then I get amazed by my peers. I then think did college do this and sadly the answer is no, BUT it did help and it did give people courage to voice their opinions as adult in a conversation rather than children asking for permission to have an opinion at all.

ignorance is bliss.

In english class today my teacher bought up an interesting point. She said that when an action is done, words are spoken, thoughts carried people don't this about the meaning of them. She gave us five(5) questions actually they are more statements than question but i digress: 1.) What it means. 2.)How it means. 3.)Why it means. 4.)To whom it means. 5.)The significance of the meaning. So as I was sitting in class I thought about how to go about answering those questions/statements. She then gave us an example, whether the lynching for negroes and/or coloreds. Some famous man (whom I can't remember at the moment) inquired if looked upon differently could it be something that brings us closer to GOD. She had us think about it, wasn't Jesus cast as an outcast? Wasn't he tortured for being different? Wasn't he hung on a crossed to be ridiculed by the on looker view the sight for entertainment? Yes to all. We need to question the stories, the lies told over the years, the everything and think of the significance to each of us personally.

But in all that do we want to question what has been told to us? Passed down from generation to generation? Usually the answer is no. Who wants to worry themselves with being an intellectual thinker? I'll step up now. I'll take that beef. Not to say I haven't always second guessed the "horse shit" fed to me, but I am trying to be more aware and inquisitive. Ask more than the surface questions, not just accept the immediate, media given, watered down, politically correct answers. How about you? Ready to step up for this challenge? Probably not because ignorance is bliss.

In regards to my life now. Why must we as a generation put up a front? To seem cooler? To seem likable? To gain what? Ever so tired am I seeing lies on top of lies on top of lies. Technology is the devil and I truly believe that. But just like most I am addicted to it, although I don't abuse it by "frontin". I am Saadia day in and day out. Ignorance is bliss? well, Knowledge can be hell. To know how to be nosey on the internet is the worst. Reading other people's comments, etc. is crazy and an obvious invasion of privacy. So why is it so hard to pry away from it?

My day opened my eyes to new things and they won't be closing anytime soon.

kinda...

Don't you kinda wish that you could be more personal? You kinda wish that you didn't have to rely on technology to release feelings. I wanna have to have the courage to say it out loud although I'd much rather text. I know i just contradicted myself. But my friend Dana ALWAYS takes my thoughts from my head and puts it down first (by the way she is a genius).

Technology is kinda ruining our way of life. We have ungrudgingly given away our sense of privacy, by using these "friend" sites. We use them to keep in touch with old friends, stay up to date with the present ones, and look for new ones. We then place unnecessariness on our pages to make us seem friendly and approachable by the on lookers. So some tend to portray a certain image of being cooler, smarter, or a better person when really they are a nobody pretending.

I kinda want everything to go back to how it used to be. Starting out as innocent fun. Not really having to worry about the phonies, the babies, the bullshit. i want it to be pure again. Us to be pure again....

bamboozled.

ever seen the movie bamboozled? another spike lee joint. and if you haven't seen it please watch it because it touches on things that nobody has really captured in a way where the youth will watch it.

the topic is minstrel shows and the length a "nigga" will go to make a dollar. making fun at the hardship that our people had to overcome to get a chance to be on t.v, movies, plays, etc. it is 2007 and to some degree i believe that we are still a modern day minstrel show, just with out the black face. do we not sing and dance for the white man's dollar? if you were offered $1 million right now to perform black face and sing in front of a white audience would you not?

did you know that that we were called coons? there is a coon's automotive. i can't see myself EVER taking a car from them much less buying one. we were made fun of, disrespected, abused, killed, no scratched that murdered, and now we think that we have evolved. we haven't we still niggas in people's eyes. yes times have changed but the raising of children in some house hold hasn't.

i feel for the generation after us. we have a people have to learn about our past to better the future. people i fear that if we aren't careful we can be a modern day minstrel show. maybe no black face but something along the lines of that metaphorically. i don't want to sound like a conspiracy person blaming the "man" for everything because i do believe most unfair treatment we bring on ourselves, only to get mad when it becomes an inconvenience or we feel embarrassed in front of another race.

please lets us try to up lift and empower and instead of complaining about it do something about it. bring to the attention of the mass media. show your creative side make an independent film, make a graphic design. do something. it all starts with an example.

yo.

new years bring new lies. everyone makes a new year's resolution and forgets about in a month or less. the funny thing is, i made one too. i wrote it down, made a video recording, and everything. but the trip part is that i haven't told anyone, and i don't plan to. why would i? aren't you supposed to make your resolution come true? i don't want help so i'm going to try for myself.
new years bring new attitudes. people change or claim they are changing. they say "it's '08 blah blah blah..." like they changed for real. if your a bitch your a bitch. if you are a good friend then you are a good friend. people don't change because the year changes. i think people just get more comfortable with letting their true colors come out. although that isn't always a bad thing more times then not people start to show the worst.
new years bring new opportunities. new niggas new everything. am i ready for the "newness"?

hmm. thoughts.

i'm ready for it all. i want somebody to be there for me and the feeling can be mutual. why does it all have to be so complicated? where i'm boys/men approach you and make you feel like they WANT to pursue you. here is like they want you to find them. they want the female to make the extra effort but when they know deep down that they found a good one they push her away. why do boys do that?
i want something with longevity. something that i don't have to worry about silly shit because in the long run i'm what he needs and he is what i need. i was thinking that movies aren't really realistic. think about it... boy meets girl, boy plays girl out, girl returns the favor, they both reach an epiphany about one another, they fall in love, and BOOM the magic happens. what relationship worked out like that? none that i have been in. ugh.

its has also come to my attention that girls these days are getting desperate. like i know i want a relationship, but i want a meaningful on. i don't want one that will result in the other person feeling trapped. that seems to be everybody's M.O. like they want who they want and nobody else matters. the train is gonna run right over anything that stands on the track. people get hurt, attitudes change, everything just goes haywire. but for what for some extra attention? just to stick around after being dismissed? it is sad and i don't like it.
everything around me is going into a spiral of awkwardness. i'm over here beasting on everybody and even the ones that i love because i got hurt. i got caught in the crossfire and what the hell do i get left with? zip, zilch, nada. again ugh.

chris brown is sexy and i think we would make a perfect couple...lol. this christmas was GREAT!
the bee movie, also wonderful.
a must see if it hasn't already been seen.

thoughts derived from boredom.

hmmm where should we begin? well i've been doing some thinking while i sit here bored to tears, forced to assess the life. the birthday is about to be here and why am i not suprised that my excitement level is at a whopping low. i think the highlight of my day will be the actual process of getting drunk. no driving will be done by me after that, not until i sober up. but you all should enjoy the after effects... so much more fun to be around.

eh...blah with the like people. the dilemma hasn't changed but since i don't know what to do about it i'm just gonna wait it out. why does it have to be so hard? i realize that this is such a small world. everybody knows everybody. damn. whatever.

boys, i have come to the conclusion, suck. yeah yeah yeah. when you want them they want you be there is always "complications". ugh. blah.

his loyalty.

i don't ever want someone to cheat on me. i also don't want a close friend to start "talking" to one of my ex boyfriends. and surely don't want to give up on something that i have a strong feeling that it could possibly work. he told me that he was like his brother and he wouldn't feel comfortable. what could i possibly say back to that? so i said i understand and i respect your decision. but really i don't want to. i don't want to understand because the one he is protecting hasn't been so loyal to me. actually he was just "talking" to one of my aces. yes taking a step back to ask WHAT THE HELL is okay.
i've asked friends and they all say the same thing. "if you really like him tell him." i told him, which is like way out of chartacter for me and the loyalty struck me like a random bolt of lightning the hits only one part of me. actually the smallest part that hurts the most.
the bad thing is that i found myself wanting to get to know this kid. it no longer was just a physical attraction. yeah he is easy on the eyes but he is more than that he is someone that actually has my mind off the one that i'm falling out of love with. but there, for me, will always be a problem. in times like these do you ever think somebody on a higher plane is pulling the strings? like they put you close enough to think you are about to get it then they snatch you back. that's something that i'm starting to believe more and more as the days go on.
this is like hissy fit time. DAMMiT! i want him and he isn't even forbidden, just loyal.

time.

"time will tell,,," they say. what am i waiting for this time? "patience is a virture..." they say. i don't have the luxury of possessing this quality. "tomorrow isn't promised, live each day like it's your last..." they say. but what about the first two sayings? don't they present a problem if you want to live like the last one?

what people choose to live their life by strictly depends on where they are in their lives. recently people have passed and the mourners would like to say live each day like it's your last but do they mean it? all the time in the world can't get you back the time lost. but what is there worth waiting for? most likely the answer that rolls off so many people's lips is love. i love someone and i have a strong like for some one. i also am falling out of love, or maybe that thin line between love and hate is slowly being crossed. i don't want to waste time hating who i love. that takes energy and time that isn't promised.

if i were to leave this earth tonight would people be happy with the way things are right now? i have tried to keep all loose ends with people to either get restiched or be cut off. my birthday is next week on the 13th, and i realized that i'm not happy. i'm about to be 18 and it should mark a turning point into adulthood but i'm not happy. i don't have anymore time to be a kid. i don't have any time to wait around for love because reality has been waiting around for me....

happiness.

what do you do when you have a forbidden love? you know that it would never work out and when you don't talk to this person you are ok, the second you two talk all your feelings rush back. they take over your better judgment and you start to long for this person. i've realized that usually it is a close friend that you know deep down in your heart it would never work. whether it would be looked down upon, you aren't ready, or you don't wanna jepordize a seemingly perfect friendship.
damn why is there so many levels of love? they say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all but if you can't be with the one you love then what the hell is the point. i don't fall often because i don't want to get hurt. i shut myself off and i've been that way for a while. i thought that i had found my one... you know the one that would make all my pain go away and help me through the pain that i may have encountered. no such luck. they got sloppy with it so i had to TRY and let them go. what good that is doing. now i'm caught between a rock, a hard place, a wall, and a tree.
i'm still in love with the other, got feelings for a new one, think it may be wise to stay alone for a while, and have this forbidden love. what to do? confusion flushed through my body and for the first time in a long time i don't have control. i think i may push everyone away for fear of lack of understanding and i don't want anyone to feel the hurt i've felt.
i've been called a spoiled brat because i always want my way and i might throw a hissy fit when i don't get it. but i don't want to cause anyone unhappiness so i'm shutting myself down. i so want to be with the one i love but i know it is unhealthy for me. i know i have to do me and find out about me before i can start making any type of decisions. i'm not stable. mood swings are getting more frequent, attitude is changing, and to top it all off i'm coming down with a horrible case of word vomit. i can't even control my own feelings, being what i let show and what i hide. i led people on and leave them alone when i'm done. i'm ruthless and a hazard to the common feelings because mine are fucked up. if pain is love then i must be in a monogamous relationship.
dilemma makes my world. i have yet to feel fully content with the way my life is going. maybe i can be happy or at least have the illusion of being that way. actually just the state contemptness (is it a word?) would suit me just fine. doubt i will ahve such luck, but one can only dream. i just don't wanna be that bitter woman that people say "she used to be alright, now she let herself go." really i don't want to be another lauryn hill. crazy as hell and bi-polar. i want a slice of happy pie but i don't want to take someone elses to get it.

RENT.

i just watched the movie. and musicals are kinda the best form of expression. i mean think about it, random outbreaks of song and dance to elaborate a strong feeling. then i get to thinking "what if this was really a realistic thing?" music helps people through their hardest times and they all are a certian feeling about a certain situation. so say i walk down the street singing "Teary Eyed" by Missy Elliot and i had choreographed dance steps to amplify a street perfomance. then eventually the whole street would feel what i felt and join in. i think that would cure more stress than just listening to it. people for once could hear the pain in your voice and actually hear where you were coming from. just like actual singers where all their songs tell a different story. beyonce is who i listen to when im down. if i walked down the street singing "Resentment" (which i am tempted to do) maybe who i am singing it to would understand my feelings without me having to spell it out with my own words. i dont know just some food for thought.