hmm. thoughts.

i'm ready for it all. i want somebody to be there for me and the feeling can be mutual. why does it all have to be so complicated? where i'm boys/men approach you and make you feel like they WANT to pursue you. here is like they want you to find them. they want the female to make the extra effort but when they know deep down that they found a good one they push her away. why do boys do that?
i want something with longevity. something that i don't have to worry about silly shit because in the long run i'm what he needs and he is what i need. i was thinking that movies aren't really realistic. think about it... boy meets girl, boy plays girl out, girl returns the favor, they both reach an epiphany about one another, they fall in love, and BOOM the magic happens. what relationship worked out like that? none that i have been in. ugh.

its has also come to my attention that girls these days are getting desperate. like i know i want a relationship, but i want a meaningful on. i don't want one that will result in the other person feeling trapped. that seems to be everybody's M.O. like they want who they want and nobody else matters. the train is gonna run right over anything that stands on the track. people get hurt, attitudes change, everything just goes haywire. but for what for some extra attention? just to stick around after being dismissed? it is sad and i don't like it.
everything around me is going into a spiral of awkwardness. i'm over here beasting on everybody and even the ones that i love because i got hurt. i got caught in the crossfire and what the hell do i get left with? zip, zilch, nada. again ugh.

chris brown is sexy and i think we would make a perfect couple...lol. this christmas was GREAT!
the bee movie, also wonderful.
a must see if it hasn't already been seen.

thoughts derived from boredom.

hmmm where should we begin? well i've been doing some thinking while i sit here bored to tears, forced to assess the life. the birthday is about to be here and why am i not suprised that my excitement level is at a whopping low. i think the highlight of my day will be the actual process of getting drunk. no driving will be done by me after that, not until i sober up. but you all should enjoy the after effects... so much more fun to be around.

eh...blah with the like people. the dilemma hasn't changed but since i don't know what to do about it i'm just gonna wait it out. why does it have to be so hard? i realize that this is such a small world. everybody knows everybody. damn. whatever.

boys, i have come to the conclusion, suck. yeah yeah yeah. when you want them they want you be there is always "complications". ugh. blah.

his loyalty.

i don't ever want someone to cheat on me. i also don't want a close friend to start "talking" to one of my ex boyfriends. and surely don't want to give up on something that i have a strong feeling that it could possibly work. he told me that he was like his brother and he wouldn't feel comfortable. what could i possibly say back to that? so i said i understand and i respect your decision. but really i don't want to. i don't want to understand because the one he is protecting hasn't been so loyal to me. actually he was just "talking" to one of my aces. yes taking a step back to ask WHAT THE HELL is okay.
i've asked friends and they all say the same thing. "if you really like him tell him." i told him, which is like way out of chartacter for me and the loyalty struck me like a random bolt of lightning the hits only one part of me. actually the smallest part that hurts the most.
the bad thing is that i found myself wanting to get to know this kid. it no longer was just a physical attraction. yeah he is easy on the eyes but he is more than that he is someone that actually has my mind off the one that i'm falling out of love with. but there, for me, will always be a problem. in times like these do you ever think somebody on a higher plane is pulling the strings? like they put you close enough to think you are about to get it then they snatch you back. that's something that i'm starting to believe more and more as the days go on.
this is like hissy fit time. DAMMiT! i want him and he isn't even forbidden, just loyal.

time.

"time will tell,,," they say. what am i waiting for this time? "patience is a virture..." they say. i don't have the luxury of possessing this quality. "tomorrow isn't promised, live each day like it's your last..." they say. but what about the first two sayings? don't they present a problem if you want to live like the last one?

what people choose to live their life by strictly depends on where they are in their lives. recently people have passed and the mourners would like to say live each day like it's your last but do they mean it? all the time in the world can't get you back the time lost. but what is there worth waiting for? most likely the answer that rolls off so many people's lips is love. i love someone and i have a strong like for some one. i also am falling out of love, or maybe that thin line between love and hate is slowly being crossed. i don't want to waste time hating who i love. that takes energy and time that isn't promised.

if i were to leave this earth tonight would people be happy with the way things are right now? i have tried to keep all loose ends with people to either get restiched or be cut off. my birthday is next week on the 13th, and i realized that i'm not happy. i'm about to be 18 and it should mark a turning point into adulthood but i'm not happy. i don't have anymore time to be a kid. i don't have any time to wait around for love because reality has been waiting around for me....

happiness.

what do you do when you have a forbidden love? you know that it would never work out and when you don't talk to this person you are ok, the second you two talk all your feelings rush back. they take over your better judgment and you start to long for this person. i've realized that usually it is a close friend that you know deep down in your heart it would never work. whether it would be looked down upon, you aren't ready, or you don't wanna jepordize a seemingly perfect friendship.
damn why is there so many levels of love? they say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all but if you can't be with the one you love then what the hell is the point. i don't fall often because i don't want to get hurt. i shut myself off and i've been that way for a while. i thought that i had found my one... you know the one that would make all my pain go away and help me through the pain that i may have encountered. no such luck. they got sloppy with it so i had to TRY and let them go. what good that is doing. now i'm caught between a rock, a hard place, a wall, and a tree.
i'm still in love with the other, got feelings for a new one, think it may be wise to stay alone for a while, and have this forbidden love. what to do? confusion flushed through my body and for the first time in a long time i don't have control. i think i may push everyone away for fear of lack of understanding and i don't want anyone to feel the hurt i've felt.
i've been called a spoiled brat because i always want my way and i might throw a hissy fit when i don't get it. but i don't want to cause anyone unhappiness so i'm shutting myself down. i so want to be with the one i love but i know it is unhealthy for me. i know i have to do me and find out about me before i can start making any type of decisions. i'm not stable. mood swings are getting more frequent, attitude is changing, and to top it all off i'm coming down with a horrible case of word vomit. i can't even control my own feelings, being what i let show and what i hide. i led people on and leave them alone when i'm done. i'm ruthless and a hazard to the common feelings because mine are fucked up. if pain is love then i must be in a monogamous relationship.
dilemma makes my world. i have yet to feel fully content with the way my life is going. maybe i can be happy or at least have the illusion of being that way. actually just the state contemptness (is it a word?) would suit me just fine. doubt i will ahve such luck, but one can only dream. i just don't wanna be that bitter woman that people say "she used to be alright, now she let herself go." really i don't want to be another lauryn hill. crazy as hell and bi-polar. i want a slice of happy pie but i don't want to take someone elses to get it.

RENT.

i just watched the movie. and musicals are kinda the best form of expression. i mean think about it, random outbreaks of song and dance to elaborate a strong feeling. then i get to thinking "what if this was really a realistic thing?" music helps people through their hardest times and they all are a certian feeling about a certain situation. so say i walk down the street singing "Teary Eyed" by Missy Elliot and i had choreographed dance steps to amplify a street perfomance. then eventually the whole street would feel what i felt and join in. i think that would cure more stress than just listening to it. people for once could hear the pain in your voice and actually hear where you were coming from. just like actual singers where all their songs tell a different story. beyonce is who i listen to when im down. if i walked down the street singing "Resentment" (which i am tempted to do) maybe who i am singing it to would understand my feelings without me having to spell it out with my own words. i dont know just some food for thought.