So Maybe...

Maybe I cut people off too quickly without properly assessing the whole thing. I don't think I do it purposely but I don't like to be let down which leads me not to have too many expectations. You expect too much and don't get it, you are let down. You expect HIM to be different only to realize you set your hopes to high. You then trick yourself into thinking you deserve better when really you haven't done anything to prove you should get it. So me cutting someone of is a hell yeah type situation until I sit back to think, "I want him/her back..."

I always go into any relationship/friendship with little to no expectation. I've put my trust into so many only to be slapped in the face with my own hand. Every time I think I may have found a speckle of happiness, it is ripped away by shiesty behavior and/or the wrong words at the wrong time. At the moment I honestly put all the blame on the other person believing that I am the innocent one and am the victim. Then the thought process kicks in. Did I deserve that? Maybe so. Can I fix it? Maybe not. I am shallow to some extent thinking that it's a privilege to be my friend/dude. That thought fades and I'm left thinking what the hell. I get stuck between what the gut says and what the heart says up to what the mind says. UGH!

I thought for a long time I as going to have the "fuck it" attitude, but nope, I always cared on the inside and it would eat away at me. Thought I needed time to myself but I was left feeling lonely. Thought I wanted, no DESERVED more but nope I haven't proved myself worthy. So maybe I need to take more time...? Wait. What kind of time do I have? None to lose so what should I do? I so bad want to go back and do things differently with the knowledge that I have now. I want to hold out for somethings and build on others. Above all else I want him. The crazy thing is I don't know what HIM i want...

Nice Guys finish last, so nix that and give me a mean bad boy with a heart of gold. Friends are supposed to last forever (sike not in this day and age), but nix that and give me some right hands/road dogs. Show me something different from the norm because it's becoming too normal for me. Give me money, a job, an apartment, a life better than my own. Give me a better look on life so I can feel like I'm here for something other than a place holder in the world that everyone waits to fuck up...
You give me all this so maybe I can finally start getting what I want...