happiness.

what do you do when you have a forbidden love? you know that it would never work out and when you don't talk to this person you are ok, the second you two talk all your feelings rush back. they take over your better judgment and you start to long for this person. i've realized that usually it is a close friend that you know deep down in your heart it would never work. whether it would be looked down upon, you aren't ready, or you don't wanna jepordize a seemingly perfect friendship.
damn why is there so many levels of love? they say its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all but if you can't be with the one you love then what the hell is the point. i don't fall often because i don't want to get hurt. i shut myself off and i've been that way for a while. i thought that i had found my one... you know the one that would make all my pain go away and help me through the pain that i may have encountered. no such luck. they got sloppy with it so i had to TRY and let them go. what good that is doing. now i'm caught between a rock, a hard place, a wall, and a tree.
i'm still in love with the other, got feelings for a new one, think it may be wise to stay alone for a while, and have this forbidden love. what to do? confusion flushed through my body and for the first time in a long time i don't have control. i think i may push everyone away for fear of lack of understanding and i don't want anyone to feel the hurt i've felt.
i've been called a spoiled brat because i always want my way and i might throw a hissy fit when i don't get it. but i don't want to cause anyone unhappiness so i'm shutting myself down. i so want to be with the one i love but i know it is unhealthy for me. i know i have to do me and find out about me before i can start making any type of decisions. i'm not stable. mood swings are getting more frequent, attitude is changing, and to top it all off i'm coming down with a horrible case of word vomit. i can't even control my own feelings, being what i let show and what i hide. i led people on and leave them alone when i'm done. i'm ruthless and a hazard to the common feelings because mine are fucked up. if pain is love then i must be in a monogamous relationship.
dilemma makes my world. i have yet to feel fully content with the way my life is going. maybe i can be happy or at least have the illusion of being that way. actually just the state contemptness (is it a word?) would suit me just fine. doubt i will ahve such luck, but one can only dream. i just don't wanna be that bitter woman that people say "she used to be alright, now she let herself go." really i don't want to be another lauryn hill. crazy as hell and bi-polar. i want a slice of happy pie but i don't want to take someone elses to get it.

RENT.

i just watched the movie. and musicals are kinda the best form of expression. i mean think about it, random outbreaks of song and dance to elaborate a strong feeling. then i get to thinking "what if this was really a realistic thing?" music helps people through their hardest times and they all are a certian feeling about a certain situation. so say i walk down the street singing "Teary Eyed" by Missy Elliot and i had choreographed dance steps to amplify a street perfomance. then eventually the whole street would feel what i felt and join in. i think that would cure more stress than just listening to it. people for once could hear the pain in your voice and actually hear where you were coming from. just like actual singers where all their songs tell a different story. beyonce is who i listen to when im down. if i walked down the street singing "Resentment" (which i am tempted to do) maybe who i am singing it to would understand my feelings without me having to spell it out with my own words. i dont know just some food for thought.